Becoming Whole?

Becoming Whole?

by | Mar 30, 2025 | Uncategorized

Some individuals have the concept of meeting a significant other and thinking they will become “whole”. Sometimes they use the phrase “I’m looking for my missing half”.

Others will counter this thought process by saying that you should become “whole first” and look for someone whole.

Both concepts are rather vague and overly generalized in my opinion when you examine them.

In my mind, more accurately we are looking to become whole. We are looking to mature, we are looking to develop into something more, we are looking to become fully expressive, or as one said “fully alive”.

In order to become those things, we need opposition. We need a challenge. Tony Robin’s said that change only happens by internal tension or external pressure. For those of you who know that Tony Robbins has two “b”s in the name, you may want to externally pressure me to adjust the spelling, or for myself I feel internal tension to act and correct the spelling because I know his name is spelled “Tony Robbins” There is also no ” ‘ ” needed, unless it is after the “s”. Anyway, fun side tangent and quick illustration. If I didn’t know or understand that, then I wouldn’t have the opportunity to change would I?

We can benefit when we have a reason or inspiration to:

  Mature is often defined as we become less self-seeking by becoming more mindful of others. Mindful of your partner or children?

  Develop into something more, often to be better for someone else’s experience and benefit.

  Become fully expressive and more communicative. Often to benefit a relationship or person outside our self.

  Becoming fully alive is an enriched position and an empowered one. Often coming from loving other people, and learning to love ourself which can also happen within relationships.

 

What if the reason for relationships was the development of yourself? What if your presence helped the other person grow and develop?

What if the friction between the two of you was beneficial? Even though at times very trying?

If you didn’t exercise with weights you may not develop the muscle. It is often opposition and challenge that moves us forward and helps us grow.

What if the gift that is found in our partner’s opposition was our personal growth and development? 

What if we were drawn to them in part because of what we unknowingly wanted to develop in ourselves?

What if we have the magnified opportunity to become whole in a relationship if we apply ourselves?

It is possible to grow outside of a direct partnership or marriage. But there is something to be said about the closeness and proximity within that relationship that is different than other types of social interaction.

What if the help-mate partnership or married relationship was one of opposition and chosen cooperation for growth?

Like many things in life, relationships seem to be a mirror and a magnifier. The relationship can allow you to see yourself, including the parts you would rather not see. And the relationship can magnify what is present with you, for better or for what feels worse.

How do you see your relationship? Are you growing and shriveling? Are you moving forward and feel like you are moving back?

What are you learning? Is that helpful?

Are you surviving or do you feel like you are thriving?

Why did you want to be in the relationship in the first place?

How can challenges help you become whole personally?

There was a relationship many years ago that was extremely trying and painful for me. But to this day I feel a debt of gratitude to her, why is that? Even though the pain I experienced was traumatic, she gave me a meaninful reason and an inward inspiration to be transparent and to express interest in the face of significant personal fear. Simply put, she inspired me to face my fears and communicate my desires regarding a romantic relationship. This process was beyond painful. It was also, the piece that was missing in my younger years. Her presence in my life was a gift to inspire me to communicate. The action I chose in that situation helped me to become more whole and expressive. This process didn’t happen overnight. In-fact, I’m still working on this part of my person. However, I’m light years beyond where I was then… and I have her to thank for the opportunity to step forward personally. 

I’m more whole today than I was before meeting her. 

Though I am single at the time of this writing, I find myself truly grateful for each relationship I’ve been a part of. Each woman has taught me and helped me to grow and communicate more effectively. For this I am grateful. I hope that my presence in their life has given them the same opportunity as well. I have found that when I look at my past relationships, there is a theme that emerges… that theme is my growth and development and what I can offer the other person.

What are you grateful for in your relationship? What is it that they bring out of you? How can you learn and develop in light of it? What can you offer them? How do they feel challenged, and how are they growing because of your presence?

What if the pain had a purpose? What if the pain pointed to areas or decisions we need to make regarding ourselves or our relationship?

Partnership: Drive or Fly?

Partnership: Drive or Fly?

by | Mar 30, 2025 | Relationships, The Heart

A word on partnership.

Drive or fly?

You can get to the destination both ways. You don’t need to fly if you’d rather not, you can drive correct? What do I mean?

For those of you who are on the fence about being single or finding a life partner. Some would say, “You don’t need one”. Some would say I don’t need a man, others would say I don’t need a woman. I would say, you can live life with or without a partner. An aspect of life is choice. Even if you don’t feel that you “need” a partner, what if you simply desire to be with a partner? You don’t have to enter a relationship from a point of pure codependency. Codependency as it’s typically understood means you need the other person to do x, y, and z. Without their involvement in an individual’s life things don’t seem to work, as if the individual can’t survive without the other. But what if you would like to enrich your life experience? What if a relationship may be able to do that? Notice I didn’t say what the relationship or partnership would do. A large part of what it would do depends on you and the other party.

Let me explain it this way. If I want to go from here to Florida, I can drive. I can get there by myself. The scenery is wonderful in some areas and less than wonderful in others. I don’t need someone to move towards where I’m going.

What if a partnership was likened to flying? (I understand some people will say that you can fly yourself, that is great and you can, but that is not the point of this article. Rather this article is to contrast being single and partnered.)

If you fly, you can also get to your destination. Both involve movement and time. Flying may offer richer scenery, flying may offer different options. The thing to keep in mind regarding flying is that you are not solely in control. This can elicit fear and insecurity in many of us. We have to trust. When you drive somewhere you can be in control. I recognize with flying you can crash and this can be devastating. For many of us, flying has more fear involved than driving. Ironically, in day-to-day life you are more likely to experience tragedy driving than flying. But the sense of control is comforting isn’t it? When we fly, there is an element of trust. In a partnership, both individuals are navigating and giving input. If this doesn’t happen there are consequences. 

Another way partnership can be likened to flying… If you want a safe flight, what is the first thing that you do once you have a destination in mind and have a ticket to fly? You go to baggage claim. What happens if there is no security in a relationship? There is a higher likeliness of a crash, of turmoil, and the understanding of the flight and flight path to be hijacked. If you examine each others baggage before partnering together this can save significant tragedy down the road. This doesn’t guarantee an outcome, but it can allow each individual to exercise wisdom and discernment in their choice of who to fly with. The security area is only as good as the communication and transparency between the two individuals.

There are pros and cons to both driving and flying, to being single and to being partnered with someone. And there is no right or wrong choice.

Much of it will come down to choice, preparation and whether someone is willing to prepare themselves and their belief systems for either journey.

Living single, you don’t have as much feedback or frame of reference. You don’t have a partner as a potential sounding board or support.

Being partnered can give both of you another set of eyes, hands, and another heart.

Being single, you can revel more in your independence and personal control. Being partnered, you will need to learn to trust, communicate, and be transparent. Who we want to become is also very relevant.

Our belief systems and expectations play a large role in our outcomes in life. For some individuals they would choose partnership but can’t find someone to partner with. In this case, learning to do the best you can while being single and preparing yourself to be ready for partnership are the options you have. For other individuals they are partnered and wish they could be single again. Examining our challenges when being with a partner being honest with our self and seeking outside input can help us in whatever state we find ourselves. Sometimes reminding ourselves why we desired a partner in the first place is a good start. What do you enjoy about the partnership and what do you wish you could change? Have you communicated? Is there a safety aspect involved? Some reflection can help us gain clarity. 

For each situation, once we know what to do next, then it is our responsibility to choose.

You can get to the destination single or partnered… what scenery do you want to see? Do you want to learn to trust and be transparent? Do you want personal control? 

Is it possible to magnify the joy when we are partnered? Is it possible to lessen the sorrow?

If you are partnered and it is the opposite experience for you, do you know why?

In the end, how can we change and improve our present state?

We can’t choose an outcome, but we can choose our steps. We can’t control the other individual, but we can learn to better control and guide ourselves. 

In whatever state you find yourself, have you listened to how you communicate about it? What we repeatedly say without forethought often gives us clues to what we believe and expect. What we believe and expect will likely lead us back to confirming experiences. It is a self-justifying cycle, until we choose to believe something different… until we accept a different, often contrary thought and focus. When we persevere with this different way of seeing things, eventually we start to see inklings of change start to occur around us. Are we aware? Are we paying attention? What do you desire?

Butt what?

Butt what?

by | Feb 9, 2024 | Uncategorized

Tonight I was thinking about the future and future possibilities. I saw myself teaching a class and asking individuals why they wouldn’t change their pricing for their services. I piqued their interest by talking about fear and what we feel when we consider making a choice. What do your heart and mind generate as “feelings”?

I proceeded to say, I would raise my prices “but”… then I asked them, “But what?”

You’ve probably heard it before, to watch that your “but” doesn’t get in the way.

Illustratively if you are physically leading with your “butt” you are going the wrong way. You weren’t meant to lead moving backward. Does this way of living lead you forward? Is your fear holding you back, if so, is it warranted or not?

Life in my opinion is to be lived moving forward with your heart, making choices that force us to lead with our gut… not our butt. So when I ask “But what?”, the question is what are we turning our attention away from? Why aren’t we moving forward? If you say that you are moving forward, I would ask, in what ways? If you can’t honestly answer that to your satisfaction, and to someone around you who knows you well (in the event you have your own strong bias), then are you really moving forward?

We need to watch that we confuse motion with production… movement with movement in the right direction. To say that anything is better than what you have so anything should go, is unwise and foolish. To say the crisis demands any action whatsoever as long as it is action means one is acting out of impulse and reactivitiy, instead of intention and wisdom. Wisdom is established and found in the counsel of many. Wisdom doesn’t rush or hurry to make a change, it weighs the balances.

How are you moving forward today? And what habits of avoidance do you have? What don’t you want to look at? More than likely that is what you need to look at and address most.

Are you leading with your heart and your gut… or your butt? But what?

Don’t get stuck in a looping rut. Illustratively, if you are in a foxhole, you are hiding from something. If you can going to move forward you need to show yourself and face it. If you are afraid of the risk, talk with someone who has faced it themselves and succeeded. They can help you do the same if you are willing to listen and follow their example.

Triggered and Trusting

Triggered and Trusting

by | Nov 23, 2021 | Uncategorized

“About to walk up the stairs… pausing. Taking a moment to breathe…”

Whether we start a new friendship, relationship, business, or an endeavor… we will face ourselves wherever we go.

It is common to think that if our geography changed our problems would too. But whereever we go, there we are… and our triggers are part of us… we will find them again because they haven’t left.

“…I moved forward and introduced myself. She looked up and we met eyes.”

In my heart, I was told that “they could be trusted.” But how do you trust when you feel triggered?

When we experience our emotional triggers it is common to feel our nervous system go into a fight or flight response. Our body gears up for survival, a perceived threat registers on the unseen backdrop of our personal memory map. Breathing shifts, circulation adjusts, organ function augments… yet the question arises… Is this necessary? Apparently, my nervous system felt like it was.

In my story, trust was hard to give. Not because of the wonderful person in front of me, who I had no known reason to mistrust. But because of my own storyline, specifically the meaning I gave to my own life experiences. When something or someone has enough of a match, or association, to our trigger, our emotional and physical state shifts into a reactive state.

My question to you is, can you trust even when you feel triggered? Can you have faith even when you want to distance yourself? Can you examine your own reaction and explore why you feel the way you do? Whether the reaction is warranted or is old programming that needs to change?

Every app, OS, and computer will need to be updated in time. We have emotional wiring that needs updates from time to time as well.

In personal interactions, are you willing to love the person in front of you… knowing that their triggers may cause you challenges? And are you willing to love yourself, knowing that your triggers may cause them challenges as well?

Sometimes these triggers, reactivate previously felt fears, deep pain, groveling grief, intense anger, and serious sadness.

Our experience is valuable, even if our triggered state of intensity far exceeds the intent or motive of another.

Yet our experience doesn’t mean that the person did “this” to us. The “this” more than likely happened before they showed up on the scene. What they said or did, or didn’t say or didn’t do, so often isn’t the true cause of our pain. Rather the pain resides within us and we feel it when something externally triggers our inner state, bringing it to the surface of our awareness.

Do we blame and judge them for triggering us? Or look within to understand, reassess and possibly heal?

For me, I’ve been challenged by the triggers, yet empowered by the surfacing of past pain… empowered because now that I’m aware, I can feel, I can adjust the meaning I give to something, I can face my fears… and I can let go of the part of my story that no longer serves me.

For me, I realized that: “The person who triggered you, maybe the very person who helps you heal.“

What if you could trust the one who triggers you? Would you? There isn’t a right or wrong answer to this question. Rather a choice you and I both get to choose. In my story, this is what I was asked to do. However, in your story, you can take the experience and explore it… reflect and choose how you want to respond to it. You can ask for wisdom. Look for understanding… and if you desire, choose to heal.

It seems that there are two parts of our persona when it comes to pain… the part that wants safety and the part that wants healing. The part that withdraws and the part that moves forward. The part that distances, and the part that closes the distance. The part that reacts… the part that chooses to respond. The part that holds on to anger, the part that lets anger go. Regardless of the part, you are in now, you have a choice… each choice is more fitting at times than others. What is the most helpful application for you now?

To close my personal story, I’ve experienced significant healing from trusting. However, I felt triggered thru various scenarios. Yet, I dug deep… took a walk when needed, and realized that as I reflected, that they could be trusted. I uncovered my own fears, and let go of the fears that once protected me (an unpopular notion to some that fear could protect, yet it has moved people into action that can have life-saving implications). I’ve felt uncertainties and found faith. I realized it wasn’t my communication in the past that was the issue, or my desire to be understood, but rather my fear of loss that perpetuated more loss. (fear can also hold us back like a straight jacket and cause us to reproduce what we don’t want) I let go of my trigger with new understanding… realizing what was actually happening within me in my experience… and found rest.

Next time you feel triggered, you may ask yourself why you feel as strongly as you do. You may explore if you choose, and possibly find the golden nugget in the grief, find the freedom in the midst of the fear, find a reason to adjust the meaning to the event in your memory, or find safety in what feels like anything but safe. The most grievous prisons are the ones we build for ourselves… what if we are the one that holds the key?

Doing 1,000 different things expecting a different result.

Doing 1,000 different things expecting a different result.

by | May 6, 2021 | Uncategorized

This afternoon I was going to meet someone to look at an office chair. I’ve been looking for quite some time, as I’ve wanted to replace mine and add another at my home office. I was excited at the possibility and the price of the chair that was advertised.
 
They gave me a general location, behind this business, east a block… they said they were ready to meet now. I messaged them and told them I was on my way. I arrived in the general area and messaged that I was close. They didn’t give me an address or the name of the building where they were. I stopped at each building that was in the vicinity… after the fifth, I messaged them and told them I needed the name or address…. no response. I continued for another 5-10min, frustrated that I had stepped out of a very productive day to feel like I was wasting my time trying to find where they were located. I messaged again, informing them I was leaving the area.
 
I was more than upset, I was feeling firey. I decided that I wasn’t going back and that the chair wasn’t worth any more of my time. I realized that I hadn’t felt that hot emotionally in a long time. Which made me wonder what parts of me have been subdued over time.
 
Sometimes it’s the pain and the disappointment that wakes us and stirs us to action or reinforces our feeling of being stuck in a rut and despair. So often we tolerate life, instead of celebrating life.
 
For me, I realized that a deep chord had been hit. It had nothing to do with an office chair. It had to do with the feeling of personal excitement, which I rarely feel, and the ricochet of a repetitive pattern of personal disappointment.
 
What do you do when your life experience seems indelibly stained?
 
When the reoccurring pattern keeps reoccuring?
 
When you’ve breathed out your problem, wrote it down lit it on fire, told a friend, vented to the heavens, and yet… there you are. Feeling like you are where you have always been?
 
We’ve both probably heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Have you heard that before? I’ve heard it said by many people over the years, and it sounds great. However, what do you do when you have done a 1000’s different things and expected a different result and find yourself in a languishing loop of…. “Here I am again”, now what?
 
James 5, tells us that if we are afflicted (in pain / anguish) we should pray. That’s nice. Why? My understanding and life experience is this… when we genuinely pray/ask… we open our hearts to receive instruction. AKA God’s word / an inspired message/idea. We set in motion a cause and effect sequence by prayer.
 
So what? The what, is that a new idea, allows for a new belief.
 
Let me rephrase the popularized quote, into something that I have found truly applies in life… “Insanity is doing 1,000 different things with the same belief system and expecting a different outcome”. Period… Period… and period again. Why periods? Just for emphasis’s sake… and I’m feeling feisty.
 
I don’t care how many things you may have tried or ways you have tried it. Or for those who don’t like the word “try”, I don’t care how many ways you’ve done it, or are doing it… if your belief system is the same today as it has been in your past as it relates to your primary pain points, then your outcomes will be the same too. Period. It doesn’t matter what books you read, course you take, including MASTER courses, funnels you make, or cheesecake you bake… if the story you believe hasn’t changed… your story won’t change either.
 
So stop trying so hard and doing so much… inspect what you expect. Specifically at a core and profound level. If you change the root, you will automatically set in motion changing the fruit. The fruit is your outcome. The root is the idea you have accepted… believed.
 
A note on that, if you are double-minded you won’t see the change you desire. Double-minded means being of two minds. Simply put, if I consciously choose to believe that I can be excited and also have a positive outcome, but my subconscious aka heart, still holds unto the bushwacking of…. this is going to hurt because it has always hurt and this is the way my story goes… and nobody knows the trouble I’m in, blah, blah, blah (insert personal blah here), then I won’t experience the end result I’m hoping for.
 
So now what? Either pray and express your desire to receive the instruction you need… and/or consciously choose how you will see your story and what you decide to focus your attention on each day… whatever you can do to make that real to you… so you feel it. When the two minds agree, you will feel alignment… or for those that don’t like the word feel, you will sense or have a “knowing”. This indicates you are close to the fruit you are hoping for.
 
When your belief systems change, your experience of the things around you changes too.
 
Pause for an interesting note:
One benefit of prayer vs you choosing the idea is that God knows all your blind spots. You don’t. God is the best life coach you could ever ask for, he knows every principle, and every angle that science is still trying to understand.
 
Back to your regular programming: (why do they call it that?)
For me… I realized I need to change. It is time to feel the fire again. It is time to have a zest for life. At the very least think of a simple outcome and feel the goodness and celebrate even before it arrives. Find what you can align with, start there… and build momentum. Often the smallest change is the fastest. Once we gain momentum that reinforces our new story, it’s amazing how dramatic shifts can happen. Think back on your life… Do you remember one or maybe two of these times?
 
If you are still stuck on the good ol days, you may be subdued and in survival like I have been. I recognize I’ve also made leaps and strides the past few years… but there is part of me that has been hidden under loads of unseen (mostly by others) dissappointment..
 
Can you choose to hope again? If you aren’t hoping already?
Yes, it’s dangerous to hope in some ways… we may be disappointed. However, in the words of Wayne Gretzky… “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
 
For me, this means communicating and being vulnerable. Knowing that when I’ve done this in the past I have experienced more pain than I wish to remember. But, not communicating and sitting back as the clouds roll by, has caused me more ill than hoping and at least taking the shot… risking and risking again.
 
One of the most common regrets of people in the last days is that they didn’t risk more and that they didn’t say what they wanted to in the living years… song reference intended.
 
There is a country song that is worth a youtube listen… live like you were dying. Occasionally it’s good to remember that life is short.
 
So… I’m going to do what I need to do and risk… and if I fall, at least I will have moved forward, at least I will have dared greatly… and not been cold and timid, not knowing either victory or defeat.
 
What is one simple idea that would change everything for you?
Have you prayed lately? The message you receive is the gold… God spoke that you would believe and be saved.
 
When we change our beliefs, our actions and outcomes will shift like a kaleidoscope. Some beliefs have been rooted for quite some time. Perseverance will be necessary… but I believe it’s worth persevering to awaken and live and breathe again!
 
Today, instead of changing the actions, change what you accept… what you believe. Adjust your aim, fire, and fire again. Keep moving forward.
 
“Insanity is doing 1,000 different things with the same belief system and expecting a different outcome” – Jon Schauer
 
Living Years song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hr64MxYpgk
 
Live like you were dying song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLS-Dvuqt8k
 
Theodore Roosevelt
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

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